Dear Abby: My brother molested me as a child – should I tell his fiancee?

DEAR ABBY: I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused by my older brother (six years my senior) from the age of 6 to 11. As soon as I could verbalize what was happening, I went to my parents and told them. They believed me but swept it under the rug and did not provide any type of therapy or treatment for either of us.

At the age of 15 I had a mental breakdown. After that, I said, “It’s not like I’ll ever forget what he did to me.” My mother finally decided to get me a therapist. Through years of therapy (I’m now 25) I found healing, grace and forgiveness, but I feel like that’s for me to know and no one else’s business.

Even though my parents know exactly what my brother did, they continue to try to mend our relationship, even though I have stated that I never want to have a relationship with him again.

My brother is now engaged to a woman he has been with for four years. She has placed everyone in my family except me. It never reached me, which I find strange. I know my brother hasn’t told the whole truth about what he did to me as a child because he still tries to minimize it.

If I had married someone and met every member of their family except their only sister, I would be suspicious and want to know why. Should I send his fiancee an anonymous letter giving her all the details? — VICTIMIZED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR VICTIMIZED: If you send your brother’s fiancee an anonymous letter, she might interpret it as “someone,” perhaps an old girlfriend, trying to break them up. Between you and me, I think someone should warn her about her fiance’s story. If you’re willing to risk doing it, your family will probably be very upset. However, if you are determined to send that letter, you must have the courage to sign your name.

DEAR ABBY: My mother is remarrying at the age of 84 to a man who is 83 and has never been married. They got engaged after dating for six months. I don’t think it’s wise, but I want her to be happy, so I’m going to the wedding.

She asked her best friend to be her maid of honor, and then asked my brother to be best man because her fiance didn’t have anyone to do it. I expressed my disappointment that she asked him to be the Kunari and not me to be her servant. Now she wants me to be the maid of honor, but I really don’t want to do it because I’m not pro-marriage.

Looking back, I should have kept my mouth shut about my disappointment. Should I do it out of love and respect for mom, or stand my ground because I really think it’s a bad idea? I don’t want to be her maid of honor for so many reasons. – NON-RESIDENT IN INDIANA

DEAR INCREDIBLE: You’ve been open about your reservations about the wedding, which is probably why your mom asked her best friend to do it. She has now invited you to be her maid of honor because you told her you felt left out.

Whether you support your mother’s decision to marry this man or not, the wedding will happen. Unless you intend to find yourself increasingly distant in the months and years ahead, walk your mother down the aisle, wish her well, and cross your fingers.

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.