Dear ABBY: I like to help my friends, my partner and family members. I feel that doing good deeds is important in my retirement. My hands are quite full taking my elderly father to medical appointments, and I also visit him three times a week. I also have old single friends that I do things for, like dropping off meals now and then and running errands.
Recently, I have been asked to provide transportation to medical appointments for no less than three of these friends. One, in particular, is more of a friend of my partner. However, she expects a lot from me. I feel like I take care of my dad and my partner keeps me busy enough. I feel pressured by these other friends. If I say no, I feel guilty.
How do I bow gracefully to these people? One of them has hinted that I’m not a good friend if I don’t help them go to the doctor, sit with their dog, etc. She never seems to remember her past good deeds and likes to start arguments with everyone (she only has one or two friends left). Any tips? – WEARY MAN IN WISCONSIN
DEAR TIRED MAN: For some people, it’s just a short step from being a people pleaser to being a doormat. You have been kind and helpful; now is the time to start helping yourself. You don’t have to feel guilty about saying no to entitled individuals.
The woman you describe is one of them, so don’t expect her to be grateful for the time and effort you’ve already put in.
Developing the ability to say no is similar to lifting weights. Start small, work your way up, and you’ll be building muscle in no time. Try it. You will like it.
Dear ABBY: My husband and I made the debate team in high school. We would get into heated arguments about any topic and I think that was one of the things he loved most about me.
Fast forward 14 years and a couple of kids later, and I don’t have the fire in me to argue “oranges vs. strawberry” no more. Whenever I say a simple thought, he tries to engage in an argument, but he goes from zero to 100 in a minute and forgets to hear my point.
I’ve taken to “letting it win” only to shut it down because I don’t want to hear it. He gets frustrated when I do that and always says that’s what we did.
Abby, my priorities have changed. I am calmer than before and mostly my attention is focused on our children. I’m tired of the constant fighting, but I know he likes it. Please help me find a common language with my husband. – NO LEFT IN THE REMAINING
Dear NO WAR: Some couples enjoy fighting as a form of foreplay. If you haven’t told your husband what you’ve been doing with me, it’s important that you do.
Since “argument” has been an established pattern in your marital relationship, you may need a licensed marriage and family therapist to help you get your message across because your husband may have difficulty adjusting to the change in the way you communicate.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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